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User talk:ZenBow
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Message page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 17:40, February 21, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:23, February 21, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story I'm sorry, but there were a number of issues present in the story ranging from capitalization, punctuation, wording, and story issues that really weighed down the story. Here is a copt of the story for reference. Starting with the basics, this was how a majority of the story was formatted: "I closed the book and got onto my bike, about to ride the fuck over to my friend’s house and tell them what happened. I noticed the book drop to the ground and I stopped about fifty feet ahead. I saw somebody… a man… pick up the book and flip through the pages. I rode back quickly, refusing to make eye contact. As I held out my hand for the book, his brushed mine. " This can cause formatting issues and requires someone to fix. While not a large issue, it is extra work that you should be made aware of for your next story. Punctuation: Punctuation missing /improperly used in dialogue. "“Shit, it’s the bus(comma missing)” I muttered", "“Huh. So it’s not a prank.(,)” I thought", "“I love word games.” I mouthed", etc. You also forget to punctuate a few sentences properly (example below). Capitalization: "“What, you’re not going to tell me your name?” He (he) asked sweetly." Remember that the words proceeding dialogue should only be capitalized if it's the start of a new sentence or a proper noun. You also shift between capitalizing the pronoun for the man and leaving it uncapitalized. Wording: "I saw a pair of feet… covered in men’s shoes." is awkwardly worded. "When I got home I opened the journal to find a scribbled out signature in (on) the front cover." If the signature was in the front cover, it wouldn't be visible. There are also redundancies: "Don’t. Keep. These. Letters. I. Signed. Don't keep these letters. I signed." This might work if there was something between them like plot development or the character's sentiments, but repeating the same thing back to back without anything to break it up really doesn't enhance the line much. Story issues: The protagonist jumps to conclusions quickly without any real reason. Look at this line for example. "I shoved it into my backpack, taking it as a prank gone wrong. As I stepped into school though, I avoided eye contact with as many people as possible. Maybe the letter was right." What changed here? What made them go from assuming it's a prank to assuming it's the truth? Characterization and believability is important for making a story involving. Story issues cont.: "I saw somebody… a man… pick up the book and flip through the pages. I rode back quickly, refusing to make eye contact. As I held out my hand for the book, his brushed mine." If he rode away from the man back towards his place, how is he interacting with the man? Additionally if the protagonist has that copy of the book already, how does the man also come across a copy in the same timeline? Story issues cont.: This line for example: "Letters or a journal will be delivered to your house, make sure you don’t let Him get them." in conjunction with this "A journal clattered to the table and he walked off." really doesn't make much sense. If the man intercepted the journal and wrote the letter (as we're lead to believe towards the end), why would he go against what he wrote and give the journal to him in class. Additionally what is the man's intention throughout all of this? What is the future protagonist's goal by giving him this information 8 years before any of the information is relevant which also draws the man to the protagonist, putting him in direct danger (implied as no information is really given here). Conclusion: The ending additionally feels weak without any real characterization or tension. "They were blue sneakers, with a spray-painted pink blotch on the toes(punctuation missing)" We can infer that this man is the same one who gave the protagonist the book during school and likely tampered with it (for reasons not given, to the detriment of the story). What exactly are his goals? Why is he menacing the protagonist? What exactly are you, as the author, trying to convey with the ending? Unfortunately the real lack of tension, characterization, plot development, reason for the audience to be invested in the story, plot holes, and mechanical issues really weigh down the story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:17, February 22, 2017 (UTC) Story Deletion Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules. Read the Deletion FAQ and our Style Guide for Writing for details on the 'what' and 'why' of the deletions we make. Read this guide and these blog posts for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards. For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback. If you want to attempt getting your story back on the site, put it in the Writer's Workshop, make significant changes based on the feedback, and then make a Deletion Appeal including a link to the workshop thread. Jay Ten (talk) 18:26, February 23, 2017 (UTC) Son of Satan 'Review' Here's a more detailed review of The Son of Satan. The ending was cliched and overall not scary -- which isn't good. There's a elipse to 'he was staring at me'. You should put that in the begining to add a dramatic effect, as its not scary in the begining. And you do a ritual to summon satan... why? Maybe I'm not getting this but why would you make a ritual to summon satan if you weren't actualy going to summon him. And what's better than cheese puffs and pizza to go with that? Weird things to say :: "Back off you crazy Demon!" Yeah... okay. "Oh shit! I have no where to go!" Why would he scream or think that, just make him thing 'I realised I had nowhere to go'. "Uh, can I help you?" To satan. Yes the main charicter just said that to satan. My advice is to rework this story entirely or just scrap it. I'm sorry, but this is not up to quality standards. Don't get discouraged - I put out 20 crappy stories before I finaly got a few good ones out, even the best do that. I'm sure there's a good writer in you, just keep trying. You're buddy - Lucid Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it [��������] 02:30, February 14, 2017 (UTC) 18:32, February 23, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:07, March 8, 2017 (UTC)